Children and grief: How can we support them?
When a child loses a parent, a loved one, or an emotional anchor, their world is turned upside down. Adults have a vital role to play in helping them get through this difficult time without dismissing their pain. Child development experts offer advice on how best to support young children as they cope with the loss of a loved one.
The death of a loved one is one of the most painful experiences a child can face. Contrary to a long-held belief, children are not too young to feel the weight of grief. Even when they do not yet have the words to express their grief, they perceive the changes around them-such as the absence of a loved one, the sadness of adults, new family routines, or the silence that sometimes settles over the home.
A child’s understanding of death evolves with age. A 3- or 4-year-old may view death as a temporary separation and expect the deceased person to return. Around age 6 or 7, they gradually begin to understand the finality of death but may still struggle to accept that it affects everyone.
Telling the truth with the right words
When a loved one dies, the first challenge for parents and primary caregivers is often finding the right words. Some people sometimes choose to hide the truth to protect the child. However, this strategy can increase the child’s anxiety and fuel their imagination. It is important not to exclude the child from the grieving process. Children need clear, age-appropriate explanations that are free of lies.
Using phrases like “he’s gone,” “he’s sleeping,” or “he’s lost” can create confusion or even cause additional fears. Experts strongly recommend saying, for example, “Your dad has died, which means his body isn’t working anymore and he won’t be coming back.” This phrasing, though difficult, helps the child develop a real understanding of what has happened.
The goal isn’t to explain everything right away, but to answer the child’s questions honestly, at the child’s own pace. Every child grieves in their own way. Some cry a lot, while others seem indifferent or continue to play as if nothing had happened. This apparent lack of sadness does not necessarily mean that the child is not suffering.
Children can quickly alternate between moments of intense grief and periods when they play or laugh. This is their way of coping with a reality that is too overwhelming. Parents should therefore avoid phrases like “Be strong,” “Don’t cry,” or “You have to move on now.” These words, often spoken with good intentions, can lead the child to hide their emotions.
It is advisable to create a space where all emotions are accepted. Some children may indeed believe that they are responsible for the death. A child who had an argument with his father before his death may imagine that his behavior caused the death. It is therefore essential to reassure him clearly.
Maintain routines to keep the child safe
After a death, the family environment is often turned upside down. Adults themselves are going through a period of grief and may find it difficult to maintain their daily routines. However, experts emphasize the importance of preserving certain points of reference.
Stability plays a major role in a child’s psychological recovery. Continuing to go to school, maintaining a regular schedule, sticking with certain activities, and setting aside time for interaction help children gradually regain a sense of security. Grief does not stop at the front door. School is an essential environment where children continue to grow despite their trauma. Teachers should be informed of the situation so they can adapt their support accordingly.
A child who is grieving may have trouble concentrating, experience a decline in academic performance, or exhibit behavioral changes. For education specialists, the key is not to lower academic expectations but to show understanding and flexibility. A child who seems distracted or aggressive may simply be expressing pain that they are unable to put into words.
Open communication between the family and the school helps prevent the child from becoming isolated. While the grieving process is natural, certain situations require specialized support. Parents should be alert to persistent signs in their child, such as prolonged isolation, significant sleep disturbances, a lasting loss of interest in usual activities, excessive guilt, unusual aggression, or comments related to the disappearance.
Support rather than protection at all costs
Supporting a grieving child does not mean shielding them from all suffering. Death is a reality of life, and children must gradually learn to live with loss. The real challenge is to give them the tools to get through this difficult time.
As many child development experts point out, a child who grieves while surrounded by love and support can, over time, transform this pain into inner strength. The loss of a loved one leaves a mark, but it does not prevent healing, personal growth, and the ability to love again.